Rootlessness

For long I have had this feeling which for lack of any other word, I would call rootlessness. All my life I have been hopping from one place to another. Some of it I wanted, some of it I didn't, and some of it just happened. At the end of it all, I hardly find anything in the world to identify myself with. Its like I don't know where do I belong.

At an early age, I found myself into hostel life, and would spend more time there than at my home by the blessings of the rules of the hostel. I would identify myself more with the hostel than with home. I would feel like that the people around me then would stay around me always.

But as it would happen, every year, a lot of faces would change. Lots of new students coming, new teachers coming, old teachers going, old students going, even the hostel building itself changing, nothing would remain the same every once in a while. And one day, I found myself done with my school and this sweet hostel of my childhood was no more my own. All of my friends there went on their own ways, and over time most of it faded somewhere into memory, and very little of it was left.

At IIT (my college), I was in hostel again. Somehow I never was comfortable with IIT. It was as if a great 4 year marathon challenge, where I had to work my way through, and create a niche for myself for my future. The 4 years taught me a lot of things. I met a lot of great people there. Made a lot of good friends. Learnt a lot of technology and engineering, and certainly a lot of computers and programming. I was never good with physical work, but with computers, I found something I could do well. At least well enough. And I learnt a lot more about human behavior, but somehow grew more and more introvert. But not everything was right. I had a failed internship after my 3rd year (in my own judgement). That was my first experience of putting my efforts into creating something useful and I didn't know the way. My final year project was also not worth much. I just did simulations of some digital filters and plotted their behavior at the end of it. Again, I didn't know how to organize my efforts into making something useful.

And one day, the 4 years were over again. After a few days, I was in my new job. My first job. The company worked in a start up mode. With the help of my seniors and colleagues, slowly I learnt the art of making something useful. Over time, I started appreciating that I had enough skills in myself to be able to contributing something useful to the world.

And then all of a sudden, a weird thing happened. I found myself roaming around different corners of the world for the good of the company. I would spend a good lot of my time in an year travelling around. While in India, I would be busy preparing things for next release of software, and rest of time, learning from people around the world, what all more needed to be done. A cycle which apparently has no end in itself. Life suddenly has gotten itself meshed into a sequence of imaginary goals and deadlines. Before I finish something, there is a big list of new things put forward and I never find myself having done enough.

In last few years, I have shifted my living apartment 4-5 times, stayed in N number of hotels. Have been stranded in distant airports, away from anybody I know. Travelled alone long distances to meet people whom I never met before and probably would not meet again. Made a whole lot of acquaintances but very few friends. I do not know what is the relevance of all this that I do.

I go back to my home town once or twice in a year. Except for my parents and a couple of people I know there, there is not much to relate to there for me.

This process has resulted into this exquisite feeling called rootlessness.